Sunday, December 2, 2007

Strict Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in my bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in my bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in my bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in my bed under the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.


Yes, Sam.. that means YOU!

17 comments:

Theo Spark said...

Little sods, I have 3 and a bit of them

Lady Jane said...

Yes.. they ARE right little sods aren't they? If I weren't so fond of them, they would get a right what's for;-)

What do you mean 'bit'?

Lilith said...

Oh, how could you resist? I had a stray cat once. She was called Shoo! and your rules applied.

45govt said...

I HATE cats.

True Blue said...

I havn`t got a stray cat but my pet cat Chloe likes to sit on my Lap Top when I`m using it...., she`s known as the "Lap Top Lap Cat" Bum Bum ! I know ....bit pathetic but it is Sunday and it is G+T time,
Cheers !
Di xx

Lady Jane said...

Hi Lilith & welcome:-)
I couldn't resist, that's the problem;-(
Sam is now a regular part of the household.

Hi Di.. my cats aren't so bad on the computer, they're way worse if I'm reading the paper.. it drives 'em mad.
Enjoy the G&T.. I should join you, its hot as Hades here:-(

Lady Jane said...

45Govt.. I won't be bringing 'em for a visit, so un-twist your knickers!

The Hitch said...

LJ
This post should be called
"I NEED A HUSBAND"
NO HUSBAND = CAT OWNER
Mother Hitch has cats.
I started out hating them and the feeling was mutual, now we have an understanding, they dont bother me and I dont bother them.
Give the fat one its due, it tagged a squirrel and a mouse last month, downside, I have been bitten by fleas after feeding it and the other one.

Lady Jane said...

Quite right Hitch! And if I do get married, I'll boot the little buggers right out;-)

Hang on.. I luv the little f**kers.. forget I said that!!!

Lady Jane said...

P.S. Mine catches little tree frogs and brings them (live but stunned) to my bed, whereupon LJ SHRIEKS and jumps out, only to rescue little TF and put him back in trees. Same goes for lizards.. but I have a harder time touching those.
It's only Sam that does it - thank Gawd - and I am trying my best to dissuade him without wounding his pride, poor lad.

Lady Jane said...

Hitch, are you living with Mother Hitch then? Just wondering;-)

Daisy said...

lady jane...never kick out a pet for a man...the pet is more faithful, stays longer, always comes home, and if they do talk back you don't know what they are saying so it doesn't matter anyway (well that is the same as a man but the others apply)

Lady Jane said...

I was just joshing Daisy.. though, I HAVE kicked out a MAN for my pet.

(My ex knows of what I speak;-)

Daisy said...

oh my dearest lady jane i was not insinuating you would...just wanted to post the information...i'm a bit off today...just bear (yes i spelled it that way for a reason) with me :)

Lady Jane said...

Daisy.. you're my girl!!
No 'bear'ing necessary;-)

electro-kevin said...

And what, exactly, is wrong with the Stray Cats, my Laydee ?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IGg3_T_FcOQ

Lady Jane said...

Thanks for the flashback E-K!